My mother and her intense body image issues were projected on me from birth. I was told the moment they put me in her arms she said my thighs were just like hers, big. From that very moment, I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t enough. My eating disorder started before I was born, it started with her. It started before her. It started with the generational trauma that just passed through all the women in my family, and it ended.. in me.
After my second child was born, my neighbor asked if he could plant a pear tree in my yard to mate with his pear tree. It was perfect because I was struggling with what to do with my sons placenta, and it just clicked,
Today when I was scrolling through Facebook I came upon a post from someone who suddenly lost their father. I felt so deeply sad for them, I knew their pain…I know their pain. My heart sank and I felt like I was going to pass out. Tears ran down my face. I was Triggered.
It has been a year and a half since I suddenly lost my mom, and some days it feels like it was so long ago. But days like today, it feels like it was just yesterday and I am stopped in my tracks with grief. It’s amazing that somehow our minds allow us to continue with our lives even when a major part of it gets taken away. One life seems to stop, and another one begins. A new life without them.