What I learned about motherhood after my mother died

My mom died suddenly, randomly, out of the blue at the age of 59. It was a shock to the world and even more so, my children. When she died, I had just had my third child, she was only 2 months old, and I was already lost in the sea of postpartum hormones.

I was drowning, what do you do with new the huge aching hole in your heart?

And then there’s the absolutely worst feeling in the world of having to explain to your 4 and 2 year old that basically their only local, consistent family member is dead, and never coming back.

That’s when I realized, that my mom, through the good and the bad, she was my constant. My mom was the only one who was always there, even when she didn’t want to be, even when she wasn’t often physically, she was always there and I knew it. How heartbreaking to realize that I lost my only constant of 30 years. The only keeper of my memories, was gone.

But with that realization, My eyes opened and I saw that I am now that constant for my children, and losing my mom made that even more clear to me. I want them to always know that no matter what they do, or what they go through, good or bad, I am here. I am always here for them.

From now on, there is the life I had with my mom, and now the new strange life that I have without her. I may have lost my mom forever but I realize that I am not alone. I created a beautiful family and I will always be my children’s constant, but they are now also mine.

And I am so lucky.


By Birth Boobs and Babies

birth doula . mom . writer . allergy and lactation support . fertility guidance . honoring my grief and all things #momlife at

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