It was the day of my grandfathers funeral, my period was late and a piece of me knew I had to take a pregnancy test. I was terrified. We already had 2 kids and to be honest, they weren’t easy. Everything in my world was struggling and the last thing we needed was a new baby. But, the test was positive.
I got into my clothes for the funeral, and I went downstairs with the pregnancy test in hand. I handed it to my husband and dropped to my knees, crying. I was devastated. Not only was this already such a hard day, but to think of another child with everything else going on, it was beyond my comprehension. I couldn’t accept it. We weren’t ready, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to vomit my whole pregnancy or have to eat 5 foods while breastfeeding because my children seem to be allergic to life.
You may read this and think, oh gosh she’s so selfish how lucky to have another baby, but as lucky as I was, I was also struggling with a deep depression and this major surprise was the breaking point.
I went to therapy a million times it felt like, and I just cried. My husband and I went through our options over and over until we decided we would do this, we would have this third child, and we would be okay.
I was scared for the birth, I was scared for my family, I was scared for what this child would become. I was scared.
As my belly quickly grew, my fears just increased. Not only was I afraid of everything that goes into having a new baby, I was afraid that something was wrong with the baby. My anxiety was on hyperdrive. My midwife reminded me it was all going to be okay, I did it twice before. Everything sounded good. I was okay…at least I was physically..
I didn’t feel okay though, and that’s where therapy basically saved my life. My incredible, wonderful therapist, over the course of the 37 weeks, got me through so much pent up trauma that I had no idea was even related. We pushed through what so clearly triggered me in my last 2 births and she showed me my strength. I found my power. She reminded me of all the things I deserved and with that, I deserved a wonderful birthing experience, even if this wasn’t planned. And that’s what I was going to have.
The night my baby decided to make her way into this world, I was so ready, and I felt prepared. I messaged my therapist that I was in labor and she came to my home for the birth, she was my source of light through it all. It truly was incredible, everything was so peaceful, I found my power. And then, my baby girl was finally here and my heart was full.
Unfortunately, soon after she was born, I was called to the hospital to find my mom on her death bed. I had my 2 month old baby attached to my chest in a baby carrier in the ICU and she kept me calm. She kept me composed, and she helped me fight for all my mom deserved that night. I honestly couldn’t have done it without her. It was just her and I, on the hardest day of my life. She didn’t make a peep the whole 8 hours we were there, only a sweet little giggle as my mom passed away, and then made her way back to sleep.
With all the fears, and anxiety, and sadness, came this incredibly amazing little person who I literally cannot imagine my life without.
It seems that with our children, we can’t choose when they come, they come when we need them. And I sure did need her, I still do, and I know now she was put on this earth to fill those empty holes in my heart.